Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
