I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
why do cheetos always look like penises
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
