honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
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They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
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So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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