This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
