Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
