just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
