Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
