whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
