she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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