I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
