and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
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Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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