Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Too much gin, very little bucket
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
