I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
