Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
