i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
