You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
