my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
operation have a gay friend backfired
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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