Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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