I will die if light touches me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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