tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
