my soul wont recognize me after tonight
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
