That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
