the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
