thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
