you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
