We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
FUCK WHALES
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
