Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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