Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
