Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
