I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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