I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
