he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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