Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Randomize
