i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
