Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
