i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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