Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
