Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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