is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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