fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
