Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
