I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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