Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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