even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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