I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
