Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
