Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
