how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
