The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
