We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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