Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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