Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
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Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
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LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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