Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
