If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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