got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
