Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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