every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
