My sheets look like a crime scene.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
